I am indebted to Elizabeth Stanley, Ph.D. for this insight, which comes from hearing her lecture on Thriving During Stress and Recovering from Trauma and her book called “Widen the Window”.
So many of our children who are adopted, who have been abandoned, who have suffered early life medical procedures, live their lives through trauma.
When our tolerance for stress is narrow, it does not take much for a stressful situation to become a trauma trigger. However, Ms. Stanley points out that those who feel more agency in their lives have wider windows and can tolerate more stress before going into trauma. I think we can easily apply this insight to our children.
The agency that we are able to give to children when stress arises may keep a stress from becoming another trauma trigger, or a stored trauma that further impacts their ability to function in the world.
Giving children control over many aspects of an event, such as going to a much-feared dental appointment, may turn the trip into a victory rather than a stress. We can, for instance, give the child the power to choose their own clothes that day, to pack a lunch that they like, to decide which side of the car they sit on, to take the elevator or the stairs up to the office, to make a plan for what they are going to do for fun afterwards.
In giving them these choices, you empower them, and the more empowered they feel in the face of a stress, the more control they have, the less likely it will be that the stress turns into a trauma. Stress is merely “stress” until you get outside your window of empowered choice. When the child feels they have no control, the stress rises and triggers trauma. Every child, no matter how challenged, has many areas where they can do it their way.
If you are having a play date, you can let the child decide how to ask the other child’s parent what day and time they come over. Ask them to get out the games they want to play and even hide things they do not want others to touch. Make them in charge of as many of the decisions as possible.
If meals are an issue, let the child help with bringing food from the refrigerator to the kitchen counter, stir the ingredients, choose from which plate they want to eat.
Many of these things we already understand benefit and empower children, but they ALSO widen that window, so that the child experiences stress as stress and does not turn simple non-preferred life events into trauma triggers. When they are able to feel “in charge” in a previously stressful situation, they feel more confident, widen their window, and dampen their trauma responses.